Sasuke has never been one to ascribe to honorifics. everything changed after he'd lost his family. even now, he can't find it in himself to care enough to use them.
happiness is such an obscure concept to him. he can't connect her words to a real feeling. ]
[ she's thinking now, truly putting some consideration towards this. because she knows herself so well, and even a slight inebriation of alcohol wouldn't force something out that she didn't want to say in the first place. but it's tricky, isn't it. at least a little-
because she has such strong feelings about both of them. can never quite place a name to what she feels because it grows and grows and changes and grows some more.
when Sasuke had left Konoha, it had broken her heart. when she felt Naruto dying beneath her, it echoed that same feeling inside of her. so really-
really, she could say- ]
I suppose I said it to him for the same reasons I say it to you.
Sasuke closes his eyes against the night and against the residual hum of warmth caused by sake murmuring in his blood. the declarations she'd given so brazenly when they were young— ]
[ i'm not that boy. you can't compare us. how can you still think that way?
in seconds, he runs through a handful of possible responses, and systematically discards each one (too callous, too soft, too much of a lie). he exhales, long and slow. ]
[ alright, he can't argue that. he flew off the handle at Saralegui for lying to him, before he'd returned to their world for three years. lying... it didn't help anyone. but Sasuke isn't used to this kind of policy— it's easier to omit.
but fine: since you're pushing the topic. ]
How can you love a person that you know nothing about?
Stop that. You want an honest answer to that question? Let me actually talk to you, I don't want to have this over mirrors. [ a pause, breathing. ] Please.
[ HUFFS. just a bit. before she terminates the feed and goes downstairs.
GOSH.
still, she'll come down rather quickly, forcing her fingers to relax from fists, smoothing down over shorts. she approaches him slow, takes her time. ]
It's always been difficult for you to understand. Hasn't it?
[ if Sasuke is honest with himself, he wants nothing to do with this conversation, and even then it's only a partial truth. this kind of understanding is something Sasuke shut down hard when he turned his back on the village.
his pain was meant to make him stronger. acknowledging anything else was, now, like navigating a mine field that Sasuke didn't want to go off.
he wasn't sure what kind of wreckage it would leave behind.
but he folds his arms as Sakura marches toward him, his expression carefully schooled. ]
[ Sakura knows that this is foreign for him. She knows (accepts) that familiarity and safe grounds are pain and hatred and revenge. She knows that, even when they were children, he didn't understand it. And maybe (probably) most of it was ignoring those who had formed an adoring fan following -- Sakura understood that much. But even without that; even without adoring girls pining after him, boys who were jealous of him-
Even without those things, Sakura is sure he didn't understand back then, either.
She can still feel the burn if irritation, fingers stuff at her sides to avoid forming fists again. That would get them nowhere -- at least not right now.
Sakura takes a breath, steadies herself. ]
Me loving you. You never understood, even as kids, did you?
[ he can see (just as he'd heard) that she'd just as soon plant a fist in his face as have this conversation at all. Sasuke would almost prefer that— he's far better with violence than this other thing. his chin dips, and it's pride more than anything that has his gaze stay on her face. ]
You've all said the same thing.
[ that Sasuke was a cool guy; that he was good at everything and it's why so many looked up to him. ]
[ she knows that as children it was all the same, that everyone told him the same confession; he could recite it verbatim at this point, and she isn't surprised, even still.
in thinking back, even when she was trying to convince him not to leave Konoha-
even then she didn't really tell him. she's never told either of them why they're so special, why she cares as much as she does. and maybe Naruto knows, he must, because they've spent so much time together in their world but Sasuke-
Sasuke and her don't have those years of time. they don't have that the way she does with Naruto. they have their childhood and this, here, in Death City. and, she realizes, that Sasuke probably doesn't see that those things have always been enough for her to love him. those moments.
so-
as frustrated as she is with him, with this, with the fact that their perfect night had turned into this-
he deserves to know. and she wants to be able to tell him in ways she hasn't been allowed to before. ]
You heard it a lot when we were younger, didn't you? About how everyone looked up to you, and why all of us thought you were so cool and impressive. [ she laughs, soft, though it's less from humor- ] I was so embarrassing. I sometimes feel like I should apologize for how I used to be around you.
And-
And maybe at first it was about you being cool and mysterious. Maybe at first it was, when I didn't know you. But then we got assigned to a team together, that's when it changed. Because Sasuke-kun you tried so hard to be angry about things, you tried harder than anyone to keep yourself all locked up inside so that all you focused on was getting stronger, but you couldn't always do it, you know.
Like when we were on our first mission and you saved Naruto and I. When we had our chuunin exams in the forest and you protected us. When you challenged both Naruto and I to grow and be better team mates, to catch up with you. Sometimes- Sometimes I think that you cared so much that it was part of why you left.
[ and she knows that it was mostly Itachi and avenging his clan, she knows. but there's also part of her that realizes there's truth in what she's saying -- that he left because he felt too much for them. ]
I love you because of those things. Because as much as you try so hard to be detached you still care about us. As hard as you tried as kids to be detached and avoidant, you still cared about us. We were still important to you, and we still are, and you still show that to me. To Naruto, too.
And I know you hate these conversations. I know they're hard for you and you don't like emotional things like this, but please just- [ she brings her fingers together, twists them, nervous. ] Bear with me, okay? This isn't easy for me, either.
I've always loved you, Sasuke-kun. At first it was a child crush, but then it was a teammate, someone precious to me. And that's how it was back home. No matter what choices you made, I loved you because you were such an important person to me, because you and Naruto are my most precious people that I'd do anything for, no matter what.
And there are things that have happened back home, things that I don't know how to forgive even myself for, but I-
I know that you are a different person here, and that's what I love, too. That here you've learned to make your bonds stronger, that you trust your teammates again, that you want to protect these people you call your friends. I love you for so much, and you say that you're a stranger, but you're not.
Things have happened here that I don't know about. Both of you have gone through things that you haven't or won't tell me about, and I understand. As much as I hate being in the dark, I do understand.
But that doesn't mean that just because I don't know everything that you're a stranger to me. You're still Sasuke, you're still my teammate, and I still love you more than I've ever-
[ she stops then, thinks for a moment, because-
because that isn't fully true, not now, not here. here she has so many things she never thought she would with both of them. here they have some measure of peace, they have a routine. they live together, they spend twelve hours a day on their Watch shift together, they've all resonated. the dynamic is so different, she just-
Sakura breathes, has to, because she's sure that she might cry from all that she's admitting. ]
I love both of you so much, Sasuke-kun. I'm giving up the chance of ever seeing my parents or Ino or Tsunade-shishou ever again, because the idea of not being with you and Naruto is so painful to me that I'd give up everyone else to spend these days here with you two.
[ she huffs, soft, still feeling mildly indignant, even after all that. ]
Try telling me again how I know nothing about you and can't love you.
[ he listens, regardless of how long it takes her to finish what she has to say, because at this point he's run out of places to hide. in staying put when she'd decided to confront him about this, he'd agreed to the conversation, however mutely.
but it doesn't make it any easier to listen to.
the way she explains herself is sensible. Sasuke can comprehend why she thinks the way she does, but unlike Naruto, she'd never understood that Sasuke was fully aware of how attached to his team he'd become. it was for that reason he'd left them to begin with. he needed the pain it would cause, to become stronger, to develop the Mangekyou (and now, he can imagine how he got it, if he did, and it makes his stomach clench unpleasantly).
Sasuke's eyes stay on her face, heavy as a weight, intense as the stare of a hawk. it's impossible to tell what he might be thinking, his expression is so carefully contained (but even then, it isn't always purposeful— habit, grown out of defensiveness, to preserve some small part of himself). ]
I understand why he did the things he did.
[ he says instead, finally, low and heavy; because this is important, too, and he needs to see how she will react.
they want to dual wield— and that comes with trust. ]
after spilling everything, after having so much to tell him, one would think that she could just keep going. but his response sobers her, makes her stop, fingers that had once been twisting together out of nervous habit still.
her breath catches in her throat, because it's something she's always wanted to hear -- I cared for you -- isn't it? she purses her lips, stares at her hands, thinking. ]
Sometimes I feel undeserving of you caring about me. [ she pauses, hesitates; does she really want to get into this, too? ] When I first came to Death City, I told you that you had tried to kill me. That's- It's because I tried to kill you first.
And I know that you aren't that Sasuke, that you can't forgive me for something that hasn't happened, but- But sometimes I feel as though I'm holding on to my regret of that so tightly that I'll never be able to let it go.
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[ even Sasuke knows you've never done that before, and he wasn't around for a long time in their world. ]
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her voice is soft as she answers, though the smile in it is unmistakable. ]
I was happy. I was so happy. I didn't even think about it when I said it.
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Sasuke has never been one to ascribe to honorifics. everything changed after he'd lost his family. even now, he can't find it in himself to care enough to use them.
happiness is such an obscure concept to him. he can't connect her words to a real feeling. ]
Hn.
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[ she's thinking now, truly putting some consideration towards this. because she knows herself so well, and even a slight inebriation of alcohol wouldn't force something out that she didn't want to say in the first place. but it's tricky, isn't it. at least a little-
because she has such strong feelings about both of them. can never quite place a name to what she feels because it grows and grows and changes and grows some more.
when Sasuke had left Konoha, it had broken her heart. when she felt Naruto dying beneath her, it echoed that same feeling inside of her. so really-
really, she could say- ]
I suppose I said it to him for the same reasons I say it to you.
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Sasuke closes his eyes against the night and against the residual hum of warmth caused by sake murmuring in his blood. the declarations she'd given so brazenly when they were young— ]
Sakura.
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Yes?
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you can't compare us.
how can you still think that way?
in seconds, he runs through a handful of possible responses, and systematically discards each one (too callous, too soft, too much of a lie). he exhales, long and slow. ]
Don't wait up.
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Not saying what you mean.
[ because please, she knows better than to think he'd tell her that. ]
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[ and it isn't yours :L ]
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There's nothing dangerous about being honest with the people that care about you, Sasuke-kun.
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but fine: since you're pushing the topic. ]
How can you love a person that you know nothing about?
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hell no. ]
This is not a conversation I am having with you over mirrors. Where are you?
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[ mr difficult. ]
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Stop that. You want an honest answer to that question? Let me actually talk to you, I don't want to have this over mirrors. [ a pause, breathing. ] Please.
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I'm downstairs.
[ god. ]
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GOSH.
still, she'll come down rather quickly, forcing her fingers to relax from fists, smoothing down over shorts. she approaches him slow, takes her time. ]
It's always been difficult for you to understand. Hasn't it?
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his pain was meant to make him stronger. acknowledging anything else was, now, like navigating a mine field that Sasuke didn't want to go off.
he wasn't sure what kind of wreckage it would leave behind.
but he folds his arms as Sakura marches toward him, his expression carefully schooled. ]
What?
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Even without those things, Sakura is sure he didn't understand back then, either.
She can still feel the burn if irritation, fingers stuff at her sides to avoid forming fists again. That would get them nowhere -- at least not right now.
Sakura takes a breath, steadies herself. ]
Me loving you. You never understood, even as kids, did you?
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You've all said the same thing.
[ that Sasuke was a cool guy; that he was good at everything and it's why so many looked up to him. ]
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[ she knows that as children it was all the same, that everyone told him the same confession; he could recite it verbatim at this point, and she isn't surprised, even still.
in thinking back, even when she was trying to convince him not to leave Konoha-
even then she didn't really tell him. she's never told either of them why they're so special, why she cares as much as she does. and maybe Naruto knows, he must, because they've spent so much time together in their world but Sasuke-
Sasuke and her don't have those years of time. they don't have that the way she does with Naruto. they have their childhood and this, here, in Death City. and, she realizes, that Sasuke probably doesn't see that those things have always been enough for her to love him. those moments.
so-
as frustrated as she is with him, with this, with the fact that their perfect night had turned into this-
he deserves to know. and she wants to be able to tell him in ways she hasn't been allowed to before. ]
You heard it a lot when we were younger, didn't you? About how everyone looked up to you, and why all of us thought you were so cool and impressive. [ she laughs, soft, though it's less from humor- ] I was so embarrassing. I sometimes feel like I should apologize for how I used to be around you.
And-
And maybe at first it was about you being cool and mysterious. Maybe at first it was, when I didn't know you. But then we got assigned to a team together, that's when it changed. Because Sasuke-kun you tried so hard to be angry about things, you tried harder than anyone to keep yourself all locked up inside so that all you focused on was getting stronger, but you couldn't always do it, you know.
Like when we were on our first mission and you saved Naruto and I. When we had our chuunin exams in the forest and you protected us. When you challenged both Naruto and I to grow and be better team mates, to catch up with you. Sometimes- Sometimes I think that you cared so much that it was part of why you left.
[ and she knows that it was mostly Itachi and avenging his clan, she knows. but there's also part of her that realizes there's truth in what she's saying -- that he left because he felt too much for them. ]
I love you because of those things. Because as much as you try so hard to be detached you still care about us. As hard as you tried as kids to be detached and avoidant, you still cared about us. We were still important to you, and we still are, and you still show that to me. To Naruto, too.
And I know you hate these conversations. I know they're hard for you and you don't like emotional things like this, but please just- [ she brings her fingers together, twists them, nervous. ] Bear with me, okay? This isn't easy for me, either.
I've always loved you, Sasuke-kun. At first it was a child crush, but then it was a teammate, someone precious to me. And that's how it was back home. No matter what choices you made, I loved you because you were such an important person to me, because you and Naruto are my most precious people that I'd do anything for, no matter what.
And there are things that have happened back home, things that I don't know how to forgive even myself for, but I-
I know that you are a different person here, and that's what I love, too. That here you've learned to make your bonds stronger, that you trust your teammates again, that you want to protect these people you call your friends. I love you for so much, and you say that you're a stranger, but you're not.
Things have happened here that I don't know about. Both of you have gone through things that you haven't or won't tell me about, and I understand. As much as I hate being in the dark, I do understand.
But that doesn't mean that just because I don't know everything that you're a stranger to me. You're still Sasuke, you're still my teammate, and I still love you more than I've ever-
[ she stops then, thinks for a moment, because-
because that isn't fully true, not now, not here. here she has so many things she never thought she would with both of them. here they have some measure of peace, they have a routine. they live together, they spend twelve hours a day on their Watch shift together, they've all resonated. the dynamic is so different, she just-
Sakura breathes, has to, because she's sure that she might cry from all that she's admitting. ]
I love both of you so much, Sasuke-kun. I'm giving up the chance of ever seeing my parents or Ino or Tsunade-shishou ever again, because the idea of not being with you and Naruto is so painful to me that I'd give up everyone else to spend these days here with you two.
[ she huffs, soft, still feeling mildly indignant, even after all that. ]
Try telling me again how I know nothing about you and can't love you.
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but it doesn't make it any easier to listen to.
the way she explains herself is sensible. Sasuke can comprehend why she thinks the way she does, but unlike Naruto, she'd never understood that Sasuke was fully aware of how attached to his team he'd become. it was for that reason he'd left them to begin with. he needed the pain it would cause, to become stronger, to develop the Mangekyou (and now, he can imagine how he got it, if he did, and it makes his stomach clench unpleasantly).
Sasuke's eyes stay on her face, heavy as a weight, intense as the stare of a hawk. it's impossible to tell what he might be thinking, his expression is so carefully contained (but even then, it isn't always purposeful— habit, grown out of defensiveness, to preserve some small part of himself). ]
I understand why he did the things he did.
[ he says instead, finally, low and heavy; because this is important, too, and he needs to see how she will react.
they want to dual wield— and that comes with trust. ]
I betrayed you because I cared for you.
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after spilling everything, after having so much to tell him, one would think that she could just keep going. but his response sobers her, makes her stop, fingers that had once been twisting together out of nervous habit still.
her breath catches in her throat, because it's something she's always wanted to hear -- I cared for you -- isn't it? she purses her lips, stares at her hands, thinking. ]
Sometimes I feel undeserving of you caring about me. [ she pauses, hesitates; does she really want to get into this, too? ] When I first came to Death City, I told you that you had tried to kill me. That's- It's because I tried to kill you first.
And I know that you aren't that Sasuke, that you can't forgive me for something that hasn't happened, but- But sometimes I feel as though I'm holding on to my regret of that so tightly that I'll never be able to let it go.
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