[ HUFFS. just a bit. before she terminates the feed and goes downstairs.
GOSH.
still, she'll come down rather quickly, forcing her fingers to relax from fists, smoothing down over shorts. she approaches him slow, takes her time. ]
It's always been difficult for you to understand. Hasn't it?
[ if Sasuke is honest with himself, he wants nothing to do with this conversation, and even then it's only a partial truth. this kind of understanding is something Sasuke shut down hard when he turned his back on the village.
his pain was meant to make him stronger. acknowledging anything else was, now, like navigating a mine field that Sasuke didn't want to go off.
he wasn't sure what kind of wreckage it would leave behind.
but he folds his arms as Sakura marches toward him, his expression carefully schooled. ]
[ Sakura knows that this is foreign for him. She knows (accepts) that familiarity and safe grounds are pain and hatred and revenge. She knows that, even when they were children, he didn't understand it. And maybe (probably) most of it was ignoring those who had formed an adoring fan following -- Sakura understood that much. But even without that; even without adoring girls pining after him, boys who were jealous of him-
Even without those things, Sakura is sure he didn't understand back then, either.
She can still feel the burn if irritation, fingers stuff at her sides to avoid forming fists again. That would get them nowhere -- at least not right now.
Sakura takes a breath, steadies herself. ]
Me loving you. You never understood, even as kids, did you?
[ he can see (just as he'd heard) that she'd just as soon plant a fist in his face as have this conversation at all. Sasuke would almost prefer that— he's far better with violence than this other thing. his chin dips, and it's pride more than anything that has his gaze stay on her face. ]
You've all said the same thing.
[ that Sasuke was a cool guy; that he was good at everything and it's why so many looked up to him. ]
[ she knows that as children it was all the same, that everyone told him the same confession; he could recite it verbatim at this point, and she isn't surprised, even still.
in thinking back, even when she was trying to convince him not to leave Konoha-
even then she didn't really tell him. she's never told either of them why they're so special, why she cares as much as she does. and maybe Naruto knows, he must, because they've spent so much time together in their world but Sasuke-
Sasuke and her don't have those years of time. they don't have that the way she does with Naruto. they have their childhood and this, here, in Death City. and, she realizes, that Sasuke probably doesn't see that those things have always been enough for her to love him. those moments.
so-
as frustrated as she is with him, with this, with the fact that their perfect night had turned into this-
he deserves to know. and she wants to be able to tell him in ways she hasn't been allowed to before. ]
You heard it a lot when we were younger, didn't you? About how everyone looked up to you, and why all of us thought you were so cool and impressive. [ she laughs, soft, though it's less from humor- ] I was so embarrassing. I sometimes feel like I should apologize for how I used to be around you.
And-
And maybe at first it was about you being cool and mysterious. Maybe at first it was, when I didn't know you. But then we got assigned to a team together, that's when it changed. Because Sasuke-kun you tried so hard to be angry about things, you tried harder than anyone to keep yourself all locked up inside so that all you focused on was getting stronger, but you couldn't always do it, you know.
Like when we were on our first mission and you saved Naruto and I. When we had our chuunin exams in the forest and you protected us. When you challenged both Naruto and I to grow and be better team mates, to catch up with you. Sometimes- Sometimes I think that you cared so much that it was part of why you left.
[ and she knows that it was mostly Itachi and avenging his clan, she knows. but there's also part of her that realizes there's truth in what she's saying -- that he left because he felt too much for them. ]
I love you because of those things. Because as much as you try so hard to be detached you still care about us. As hard as you tried as kids to be detached and avoidant, you still cared about us. We were still important to you, and we still are, and you still show that to me. To Naruto, too.
And I know you hate these conversations. I know they're hard for you and you don't like emotional things like this, but please just- [ she brings her fingers together, twists them, nervous. ] Bear with me, okay? This isn't easy for me, either.
I've always loved you, Sasuke-kun. At first it was a child crush, but then it was a teammate, someone precious to me. And that's how it was back home. No matter what choices you made, I loved you because you were such an important person to me, because you and Naruto are my most precious people that I'd do anything for, no matter what.
And there are things that have happened back home, things that I don't know how to forgive even myself for, but I-
I know that you are a different person here, and that's what I love, too. That here you've learned to make your bonds stronger, that you trust your teammates again, that you want to protect these people you call your friends. I love you for so much, and you say that you're a stranger, but you're not.
Things have happened here that I don't know about. Both of you have gone through things that you haven't or won't tell me about, and I understand. As much as I hate being in the dark, I do understand.
But that doesn't mean that just because I don't know everything that you're a stranger to me. You're still Sasuke, you're still my teammate, and I still love you more than I've ever-
[ she stops then, thinks for a moment, because-
because that isn't fully true, not now, not here. here she has so many things she never thought she would with both of them. here they have some measure of peace, they have a routine. they live together, they spend twelve hours a day on their Watch shift together, they've all resonated. the dynamic is so different, she just-
Sakura breathes, has to, because she's sure that she might cry from all that she's admitting. ]
I love both of you so much, Sasuke-kun. I'm giving up the chance of ever seeing my parents or Ino or Tsunade-shishou ever again, because the idea of not being with you and Naruto is so painful to me that I'd give up everyone else to spend these days here with you two.
[ she huffs, soft, still feeling mildly indignant, even after all that. ]
Try telling me again how I know nothing about you and can't love you.
[ he listens, regardless of how long it takes her to finish what she has to say, because at this point he's run out of places to hide. in staying put when she'd decided to confront him about this, he'd agreed to the conversation, however mutely.
but it doesn't make it any easier to listen to.
the way she explains herself is sensible. Sasuke can comprehend why she thinks the way she does, but unlike Naruto, she'd never understood that Sasuke was fully aware of how attached to his team he'd become. it was for that reason he'd left them to begin with. he needed the pain it would cause, to become stronger, to develop the Mangekyou (and now, he can imagine how he got it, if he did, and it makes his stomach clench unpleasantly).
Sasuke's eyes stay on her face, heavy as a weight, intense as the stare of a hawk. it's impossible to tell what he might be thinking, his expression is so carefully contained (but even then, it isn't always purposeful— habit, grown out of defensiveness, to preserve some small part of himself). ]
I understand why he did the things he did.
[ he says instead, finally, low and heavy; because this is important, too, and he needs to see how she will react.
they want to dual wield— and that comes with trust. ]
after spilling everything, after having so much to tell him, one would think that she could just keep going. but his response sobers her, makes her stop, fingers that had once been twisting together out of nervous habit still.
her breath catches in her throat, because it's something she's always wanted to hear -- I cared for you -- isn't it? she purses her lips, stares at her hands, thinking. ]
Sometimes I feel undeserving of you caring about me. [ she pauses, hesitates; does she really want to get into this, too? ] When I first came to Death City, I told you that you had tried to kill me. That's- It's because I tried to kill you first.
And I know that you aren't that Sasuke, that you can't forgive me for something that hasn't happened, but- But sometimes I feel as though I'm holding on to my regret of that so tightly that I'll never be able to let it go.
[ Sasuke watches her with heavy eyes, with a weighted gaze. the admission— it's something he never would have expected from her. Sakura, the young girl he'd left behind in the village, the one who had begged him not to leave and offered to come with him— the girl who, while strong here, still held that standard to Sasuke. someone who was learning to come up against him, but wasn't there just yet.
that she had tried to kill him— after everything he may or may not have done— ]
Why did you try to kill me?
[ there's no accusation in his tone. none what so ever. ]
You had killed Danzo, one of the village elders. Word came back that you were going to destroy Konoha. We were supposed to send a team, but I-
[ Sakura's breath catches, steadies with an exhale. ]
I thought that I didn't believe you'd ever come back to the village, at least not in the way we wanted you to. But- But I couldn't do it. I couldn't give up on you, not really.
[ it's the answer he wanted— that she would take the step Naruto couldn't, and be the one to try and take him out. Sakura, as she'd just said, understands some of his path— if not all of it. if not in the way Naruto might.
but there is respect in that, to Sasuke, that she would take that step and do it, and not just because he was declared a criminal.
but he straightens, then, and takes half a step forward. there's something aggressive about it, even if his expression doesn't change. ]
If I killed him, he deserved to die.
[ but then Sasuke eases, his shoulders soften again. ]
[ honestly, she can accept that much. she may not agree with it (who are you to decide who deserves to die or not?) but she can accept it.
the second part-
not entirely.
Sakura's lips purse into a line, suddenly finding herself edging away from the previous upset, irritation taking over. ]
I'm regretting that I gave up on you long enough to think that killing you was the right thing to do. I'm allowed that much. Maybe you can make all of your choices and not regret any of them, but I have never been the shinobi you are.
[ if asked, Sasuke would say there are no shinobi like him— save maybe Itachi. but that was Uchiha arrogance talking. Sakura and Naruto were their own kind of strong, and Sasuke could acknowledge this (if he couldn't, they'd never be able to resonate).
Sasuke cants his head, just a fraction. ]
According to Konoha's laws, what you did was the right thing to do.
[ which is heavy, and Sasuke watches her for a moment, then lifts his head and his weight shifts back— the whole thing displays a shift in his demeanor. ]
[ Sakura's fingers curl into fists at her side, back straightening, and while she knows he's trying to instigate her, that he's doing his best to push her, it-
It just doesn't work the way it would with Naruto.
He rises to Sasuke's challenges, steps in line with him, always fights to get ahead. All Sakura has wanted is equal footing, so this-
This isn't effective, not like it would be with their other counterpart.
Instead, Sakura's head tilts down, gaze sliding away. ]
You're wrong, you know. [ Because as much as they (still) underestimate her out of habit alone, there's so much more to her than there used to be. ] I didn't succeed because I hesitated at the last second, not because you stopped me before I was able to follow through.
[ this is a prime example of the ways in which Sasuke can't navigate the third member of their three man cell. with Naruto, hell, even with Neji this would have worked.
Sasuke feels himself falter. it shows only in the twitch of his mouth, and his brow.
the thing is, Sasuke isn't even sure Naruto could kill him. he's confident nobody else in Konoha would be able to complete the task. after all, he'd intended to kill Orochimaru before his time was up. how could any of them measure against that?
Sasuke's gaze slides away from her, wanders the length of their apartment until it finds Naruto's window. ]
I think that's when I stopped believing that he would really come back.
[ she uses 'he' because it isn't 'you'. they're separate for her, makes her require the distinction.
in thinking about it, she had accepted it already, back in their world. when Sasuke showed up on the battlefield and all of them had fought together, she had known then that it would never be the same. that nothing could go back to how it was. that no part of her in their world could trust him. ]
[ Sasuke's gaze slides back down, lands like a touch on her face. they are different people, he and his other self. the things he's learned here, he doesn't think he learned in their world.
but even still, he and Naruto had this discussion. Sasuke— he'd never go back to that village. not the way it was now. ]
[ finally, finally, Sakura's curiosity gets the best of her. she knows that there is something that they haven't told her, that Sasuke hasn't told her, and Sakura finds that she's tired of it. she said that there are things that she doesn't know and that it was okay; this wasn't one of them. ]
You know why he wants to destroy Konoha, don't you? Both of you know.
[ he doesn't look away from her when she finally asks the question. it isn't exactly that Sasuke has been dancing around the topic, but neither has he been at all inclined to bring it up of his own free will. why talk about something that doesn't need to be addressed?
in fact, up to this point, he hadn't considered she might be thinking about it. Sasuke was settled in his decision, it was nobody else's business.
but Sakura was their partner, wasn't she? of course she would want to know. the night breeze catches at Sasuke's hair. it tickles the back of his neck. ]
[ Sakura stares at him for a moment, as though what he says takes time to sink in for her. but it doesn't make sense, right? that it would be Konoha's responsibility for something so horrific -- but Itachi's choice never made much sense, not from what she had heard from her parents or those around her who had been old enough to remember.
[ when he thinks about it, it stirs up something dark and angry in his gut. it's the same thing that makes him hit too hard— that makes him brutal and merciless in a fight. that makes him scream in the middle of the night.
everything that had happened with Itachi— Sasuke's fingers fold into fists, like by doing so he might keep himself under control, but it doesn't stop his voice from trembling. ]
[ she takes a step back without thinking, as though it had been a physical blow. she knows that Sasuke wouldn't tell her something like this if he wasn't absolutely sure, that the Sasuke back in their world wouldn't be coming to destroy Konoha without a damn good reason, but-
but her loyalty to Konoha makes it difficult to swallow. how the village she loves so much could ever order someone to do something so horrific to their own family. even if there had been a reason for it, she still can't fathom it. ]
Why? I mean- Why Itachi, out of anyone? And why the entire clan?
[ she steps back, and something predatory in him wants to lunge at the throat of that weakness, lashing out like a snake. instead, he glances away from her— thinks back on the night he had with Itachi on the balcony. ]
They were planning a coup. Itachi was Anbu. They wanted to eradicate the threat.
[ his voice is a rumble, and he's angry— so angry at what they put his brother through. but he'd told Sasuke no— destroying Konoha wasn't the answer. ]
By you. [ she says it despite knowing it's the truth. knows, because who else would have been the one to cleanse the name of all it was plagued by?
Sakura isn't surprised that she didn't know of the Uchiha clan's plan. why would anyone? Sakura can only assume the truth was meant to die with Itachi. she can't imagine he would have wanted Sasuke to know, given his evident reaction back home. but being in the war both in Konoha and Death City gave her new perspective on withholding the truth form people you care for, even if it's to protect them.
part of her feels sick at the thought of the village she loves so much being responsible for the massacre. if it was Konoha, it made sense as to why Sasuke had gone after Danzo, given he was an elder. the more she thought about it, the more it made sense. only then did she realize she hadn't said anything in response to the information, outside of her initial statement. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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GOSH.
still, she'll come down rather quickly, forcing her fingers to relax from fists, smoothing down over shorts. she approaches him slow, takes her time. ]
It's always been difficult for you to understand. Hasn't it?
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his pain was meant to make him stronger. acknowledging anything else was, now, like navigating a mine field that Sasuke didn't want to go off.
he wasn't sure what kind of wreckage it would leave behind.
but he folds his arms as Sakura marches toward him, his expression carefully schooled. ]
What?
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Even without those things, Sakura is sure he didn't understand back then, either.
She can still feel the burn if irritation, fingers stuff at her sides to avoid forming fists again. That would get them nowhere -- at least not right now.
Sakura takes a breath, steadies herself. ]
Me loving you. You never understood, even as kids, did you?
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You've all said the same thing.
[ that Sasuke was a cool guy; that he was good at everything and it's why so many looked up to him. ]
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[ she knows that as children it was all the same, that everyone told him the same confession; he could recite it verbatim at this point, and she isn't surprised, even still.
in thinking back, even when she was trying to convince him not to leave Konoha-
even then she didn't really tell him. she's never told either of them why they're so special, why she cares as much as she does. and maybe Naruto knows, he must, because they've spent so much time together in their world but Sasuke-
Sasuke and her don't have those years of time. they don't have that the way she does with Naruto. they have their childhood and this, here, in Death City. and, she realizes, that Sasuke probably doesn't see that those things have always been enough for her to love him. those moments.
so-
as frustrated as she is with him, with this, with the fact that their perfect night had turned into this-
he deserves to know. and she wants to be able to tell him in ways she hasn't been allowed to before. ]
You heard it a lot when we were younger, didn't you? About how everyone looked up to you, and why all of us thought you were so cool and impressive. [ she laughs, soft, though it's less from humor- ] I was so embarrassing. I sometimes feel like I should apologize for how I used to be around you.
And-
And maybe at first it was about you being cool and mysterious. Maybe at first it was, when I didn't know you. But then we got assigned to a team together, that's when it changed. Because Sasuke-kun you tried so hard to be angry about things, you tried harder than anyone to keep yourself all locked up inside so that all you focused on was getting stronger, but you couldn't always do it, you know.
Like when we were on our first mission and you saved Naruto and I. When we had our chuunin exams in the forest and you protected us. When you challenged both Naruto and I to grow and be better team mates, to catch up with you. Sometimes- Sometimes I think that you cared so much that it was part of why you left.
[ and she knows that it was mostly Itachi and avenging his clan, she knows. but there's also part of her that realizes there's truth in what she's saying -- that he left because he felt too much for them. ]
I love you because of those things. Because as much as you try so hard to be detached you still care about us. As hard as you tried as kids to be detached and avoidant, you still cared about us. We were still important to you, and we still are, and you still show that to me. To Naruto, too.
And I know you hate these conversations. I know they're hard for you and you don't like emotional things like this, but please just- [ she brings her fingers together, twists them, nervous. ] Bear with me, okay? This isn't easy for me, either.
I've always loved you, Sasuke-kun. At first it was a child crush, but then it was a teammate, someone precious to me. And that's how it was back home. No matter what choices you made, I loved you because you were such an important person to me, because you and Naruto are my most precious people that I'd do anything for, no matter what.
And there are things that have happened back home, things that I don't know how to forgive even myself for, but I-
I know that you are a different person here, and that's what I love, too. That here you've learned to make your bonds stronger, that you trust your teammates again, that you want to protect these people you call your friends. I love you for so much, and you say that you're a stranger, but you're not.
Things have happened here that I don't know about. Both of you have gone through things that you haven't or won't tell me about, and I understand. As much as I hate being in the dark, I do understand.
But that doesn't mean that just because I don't know everything that you're a stranger to me. You're still Sasuke, you're still my teammate, and I still love you more than I've ever-
[ she stops then, thinks for a moment, because-
because that isn't fully true, not now, not here. here she has so many things she never thought she would with both of them. here they have some measure of peace, they have a routine. they live together, they spend twelve hours a day on their Watch shift together, they've all resonated. the dynamic is so different, she just-
Sakura breathes, has to, because she's sure that she might cry from all that she's admitting. ]
I love both of you so much, Sasuke-kun. I'm giving up the chance of ever seeing my parents or Ino or Tsunade-shishou ever again, because the idea of not being with you and Naruto is so painful to me that I'd give up everyone else to spend these days here with you two.
[ she huffs, soft, still feeling mildly indignant, even after all that. ]
Try telling me again how I know nothing about you and can't love you.
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but it doesn't make it any easier to listen to.
the way she explains herself is sensible. Sasuke can comprehend why she thinks the way she does, but unlike Naruto, she'd never understood that Sasuke was fully aware of how attached to his team he'd become. it was for that reason he'd left them to begin with. he needed the pain it would cause, to become stronger, to develop the Mangekyou (and now, he can imagine how he got it, if he did, and it makes his stomach clench unpleasantly).
Sasuke's eyes stay on her face, heavy as a weight, intense as the stare of a hawk. it's impossible to tell what he might be thinking, his expression is so carefully contained (but even then, it isn't always purposeful— habit, grown out of defensiveness, to preserve some small part of himself). ]
I understand why he did the things he did.
[ he says instead, finally, low and heavy; because this is important, too, and he needs to see how she will react.
they want to dual wield— and that comes with trust. ]
I betrayed you because I cared for you.
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after spilling everything, after having so much to tell him, one would think that she could just keep going. but his response sobers her, makes her stop, fingers that had once been twisting together out of nervous habit still.
her breath catches in her throat, because it's something she's always wanted to hear -- I cared for you -- isn't it? she purses her lips, stares at her hands, thinking. ]
Sometimes I feel undeserving of you caring about me. [ she pauses, hesitates; does she really want to get into this, too? ] When I first came to Death City, I told you that you had tried to kill me. That's- It's because I tried to kill you first.
And I know that you aren't that Sasuke, that you can't forgive me for something that hasn't happened, but- But sometimes I feel as though I'm holding on to my regret of that so tightly that I'll never be able to let it go.
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that she had tried to kill him— after everything he may or may not have done— ]
Why did you try to kill me?
[ there's no accusation in his tone. none what so ever. ]
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[ Sakura's breath catches, steadies with an exhale. ]
I thought that I didn't believe you'd ever come back to the village, at least not in the way we wanted you to. But- But I couldn't do it. I couldn't give up on you, not really.
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but there is respect in that, to Sasuke, that she would take that step and do it, and not just because he was declared a criminal.
but he straightens, then, and takes half a step forward. there's something aggressive about it, even if his expression doesn't change. ]
If I killed him, he deserved to die.
[ but then Sasuke eases, his shoulders soften again. ]
Stop regretting something you chose to do.
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the second part-
not entirely.
Sakura's lips purse into a line, suddenly finding herself edging away from the previous upset, irritation taking over. ]
I'm regretting that I gave up on you long enough to think that killing you was the right thing to do. I'm allowed that much. Maybe you can make all of your choices and not regret any of them, but I have never been the shinobi you are.
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Sasuke cants his head, just a fraction. ]
According to Konoha's laws, what you did was the right thing to do.
[ which is heavy, and Sasuke watches her for a moment, then lifts his head and his weight shifts back— the whole thing displays a shift in his demeanor. ]
Not that you'd ever be able to succeed.
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It just doesn't work the way it would with Naruto.
He rises to Sasuke's challenges, steps in line with him, always fights to get ahead. All Sakura has wanted is equal footing, so this-
This isn't effective, not like it would be with their other counterpart.
Instead, Sakura's head tilts down, gaze sliding away. ]
You're wrong, you know. [ Because as much as they (still) underestimate her out of habit alone, there's so much more to her than there used to be. ] I didn't succeed because I hesitated at the last second, not because you stopped me before I was able to follow through.
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Sasuke feels himself falter. it shows only in the twitch of his mouth, and his brow.
the thing is, Sasuke isn't even sure Naruto could kill him. he's confident nobody else in Konoha would be able to complete the task. after all, he'd intended to kill Orochimaru before his time was up. how could any of them measure against that?
Sasuke's gaze slides away from her, wanders the length of their apartment until it finds Naruto's window. ]
I won't go back the way you want me to.
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confuses her. Sakura's shoulders ease, head tilting to the side. ]
I don't understand.
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[ Sasuke's gaze comes back around to her. ]
That's probably why the other me said he wants to be Hokage.
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[ she uses 'he' because it isn't 'you'. they're separate for her, makes her require the distinction.
in thinking about it, she had accepted it already, back in their world. when Sasuke showed up on the battlefield and all of them had fought together, she had known then that it would never be the same. that nothing could go back to how it was. that no part of her in their world could trust him. ]
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but even still, he and Naruto had this discussion. Sasuke— he'd never go back to that village. not the way it was now. ]
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You know why he wants to destroy Konoha, don't you? Both of you know.
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in fact, up to this point, he hadn't considered she might be thinking about it. Sasuke was settled in his decision, it was nobody else's business.
but Sakura was their partner, wasn't she? of course she would want to know. the night breeze catches at Sasuke's hair. it tickles the back of his neck. ]
Konoha is the reason my brother killed my family.
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still- ]
How? How is the village responsible for that?
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everything that had happened with Itachi— Sasuke's fingers fold into fists, like by doing so he might keep himself under control, but it doesn't stop his voice from trembling. ]
They ordered him to kill everyone.
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but her loyalty to Konoha makes it difficult to swallow. how the village she loves so much could ever order someone to do something so horrific to their own family. even if there had been a reason for it, she still can't fathom it. ]
Why? I mean- Why Itachi, out of anyone? And why the entire clan?
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They were planning a coup. Itachi was Anbu. They wanted to eradicate the threat.
[ his voice is a rumble, and he's angry— so angry at what they put his brother through. but he'd told Sasuke no— destroying Konoha wasn't the answer. ]
He wanted the family name— to be cleansed.
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Sakura isn't surprised that she didn't know of the Uchiha clan's plan. why would anyone? Sakura can only assume the truth was meant to die with Itachi. she can't imagine he would have wanted Sasuke to know, given his evident reaction back home. but being in the war both in Konoha and Death City gave her new perspective on withholding the truth form people you care for, even if it's to protect them.
part of her feels sick at the thought of the village she loves so much being responsible for the massacre. if it was Konoha, it made sense as to why Sasuke had gone after Danzo, given he was an elder. the more she thought about it, the more it made sense. only then did she realize she hadn't said anything in response to the information, outside of her initial statement. ]
What would you do, if it were you?
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